Terrence the Terrible Roommate

Oh my God—you want to hear a fucked up story about that guy?

His name is Terrence. OK, I used to live with him, like, for a semester when I was studying in London. It wasn’t my choice—I wanted to live with these two guys I knew, but the school stuck us together because he didn’t know anyone on the trip. Whatever. So we lived together. We actually had to share a room, which was fine for the most part. He pretty much kept to himself; didn’t really hang with us too much. Once in a while he would smoke a joint with us or something, but that was it. I mean, he was a nerd, but I guess he was pretty cool. He really liked to read comics…

Oh my god--you’ve heard about that thing with him and the goat, right? Oh man. Different story. In a nutshell, Terrence went to India with these two kids I know, and like, they went into this village and there was this really poor family, and they had this goat, and that dude, like, killed the goat. I don’t know. It’s fucked up. I think maybe he was on anti-depressants, or maybe he stopped taking them. Alls I know is he killed the goat. Yeah.

Anyway, back to London. So this one night my friends Billy and James and I go out to this bar, Ricky Tiks. We liked to go there on Thursday nights because we had a short day of classes on Friday, and we would either sleep through it or go to the pool hall at UCL and get caned or something. So we saw Terrence out at Ricky Tiks this one night and he looked pretty wasted. He was hanging around with these American girls we went to school with. They were losers. So we leave that place—it used to get overcrowded with Yanks by like 10:30pm—and go home.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, I wake up on the couch, Billy and James are gone, and Terrence is walking in with some chick. They come in and sit down in the living room and start chatting just like we’re all old friends and we do this all the time. So I’m half asleep, just trying to get my bearings, and I notice this girl is kind of… like, a little weird. She was this Asian chick and… she was kind of cute, but also like… kind of busted.

So we’re talking, she’s from out of town, just visiting some friends or something… seems pretty keen. And I’m like, hey this is cool, this dude is about to score. So we keep on talking, and then all of a sudden I’m thinking, “wait a second... he and I share a bedroom.” But then I was like, “oh, it’s cool. I’m sure if anything goes down, it’ll be out here in the living room.”

So we’re talking and talking… and as the conversation goes on, I start to realize something’s… a little off. I mean, I was half asleep, but even in that state of mind, I could tell that this girl should not be with this guy. Something was weird. Like, she was wearing this really strange Marilyn Manson t-shirt, and a really short skirt… and he’s like sitting there with tortoise shell glasses. It’s takes me a minute to put two and two together, but once I do, I’m like, “shit, I got to go to bed. I don’t want any part of this.”

So I say good night and go to bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow I’m thinking, “Crap, I hope I didn’t leave nothing out there.” Like my wallet or phone or something. God only knows what those two were up to.

So I fell asleep, and it must have been about an hour later, I wake up, and guess who comes sneaking into the room with the hoe in toe. Oh my GOD. I was thinking, “WTF is wrong with you, bro?” I mean, for the first 5, 10 minutes I was like, “this is not happening.” I was in a serious state of denial. I mean, she must have not even known I was in there because she was saying all this shit to him, giving him a little strip tease… Dude, I don’t even remember, but shit was getting gnarly for a second. They were getting ready for the deed.

So finally, I had to put my foot down. I just said out loud, “Yo, this shit is not cool!”

Dude. She freaked the fuck out. She like, jumped 10 feet off the bed! And he was just like, “uhh, OK,” and walked out, just leaving her in there with me. I mean, I felt bad, but… what the fuck do you say? “Yo, sorry my roommate’s an asshole…” You know? It’s funny in retrospect, but that shit’s just rude.